Early Morning thoughts

On Monday I will be in Washington State- about 20 minutes from Portland Oregon.
I am absolutely stupid excited...

Anyway-

I don't know why I opened this blog. I used to blog but I am not a blogger anymore. 

I didn't sleep last night.  The likelihood of caffeine consumption after 5 pm is likely the culprit. I acknowledge and own that. I recently got on some medication that balances my hormones and I have been sleeping. Honestly, since I have been on these it makes me wonder just how long my hormones have been out of balance. Overall I have never felt more clear. 

Anyway, I have had many sleepless nights dating back to childhood. I remember laying there, in my bed staring at our bunny sheets and half dreaming.

 I remember when the vivid dreams started. I remember pacing and pulling "all nighters" since adolescence because I got so bored. 

Back and forth,

Back and forth.

The only thing that saved me in high school was that I didn't have a class start until after 9 am so- If I slept I could eventually get some.

Days awake. 

If I get 3 days of good sleep, I feel like a million bucks- Then its something.

Maybe this time its caffeine...Maybe my foot itches. Maybe I am hungry...maybe its my brain. I have a lot of time to think when I do not sleep.

Last night I was obsessing over expectations. Sometimes I feel like I am held to a higher standard. On one end I should feel honored but on the other I am just trying to live my life. You see- This "thing" I host is rocky and I am expected to be there. Week after week.

 But really at whose expectations? Are they really just my own? I am able to walk away at any time but why don't I? Is it a fear of disappointing others? Is there a bit of a "savior complex?" Am I afraid if we don't have this specific meeting someone might relapse into oblivion?

Yes. It sounds ridiculous when I think about it but yes. I have not prayed about this meeting nor allowed my Higher power to work through the sober rooms as a whole. I am NOT that powerful.

Today I will re-evaluate that.

Thanks for tuning in-
Until next time!

-Love= The Sober Xennial.

A quick introduction-

 Hi there!

I live in Michigan, I do photography and I just turned 40- That's right- I am one of "those millennials (Technically Xennial but technicalities)" who remember watching MTV for the first time at a friends house during a sleep over. I remember being completely besides myself as these "cartoons" I have never seen before came on at 5 in the morning followed by these colorful, crazy music videos with real performers booming this music that I have never heard. 

I grew up quite sheltered so this was completely changing my whole world in a hour or less. I knew music, I knew animation but not Daria, Bevis and butthead or the "ren and Stimpy" episodes I didn't know existed. I was supposed to be asleep but as a very light sleeper and my friends teen sister turned the TV on- Boom.

I fully sobered up on April 4, 2021. Some, in the sober community call me a "covid baby"  meaning I was "raised on" zoom meetings and clubhouse sober groups. This is half true. I quit drinking a few years earlier and couldn't put all of the things down. For some - total abstinence from all substances is dangerous or unachievable- however for someone like me this was a necessity. I fully believe I wouldn't be here today if I didn't come to this conclusion. I lost just about everything and have spent the last two years trying to gain it all back...

In reality I have gained so much more. 

I hope to share with you my tribulations, set backs and massive gains in my life. I ask that you are open and that you read. This is only me. I am only one person. We are many on this planet. 

Sit back as I give you tidbits of my journey. 

I hope you stay. 

#sober, #soberlife, #millenial,  #xennial, #80sbaby, #90schild, #livingsober