Simple Living

 Lately- 

I have been realizing my life doesn't have to be that complicated. 
What I thought was complicated really is not.

When I was younger I struggled to keep things clean. I would be repeatedly talked to, warned, yelled at and serious consequences would result yet my inadequacies did not change or refine.

I drank- I drank and ended up on the couch. I drank and heard that internal judgement in my head. By forgetting that reality I realized I kept living in that reality over and over again. That feeling of self pity is all too familiar. All too close to my soul. I run to what is familiar, what I am used to. I think I can buy cleanliness, I can buy order and everything just keeps stacking up both metaphorically and physically. 

I don't take out the trash.

Lets fast forward to A bit over two and a half years sober-
Less than a year ago I was diagnosed with moderate ADHD, I am waking up to how chaos really affects my life and how ADHD paralysis is a real issue. I have tried different medication which all indued anxiety and accentuate the paralysis. Accentuate the "voices" in my mind. 

Accentuate the overall feeling of helplessness and self pity, where I have lived for so long. The chaos I am familiar with and the judgement sustained growing up. 

As a adult and sober- I suddenly have plants I am trying to keep alive. I am listening to lowfi beats because -sometimes the words overwhelm me- I am working through the fear of calling others and admitting my mistakes. I am learning how not to take everything on a personal level. 

Chaos- That familiar foe is like a bad ex I keep going back to. Something always has to be in chaos or the world isn't right. 

If my jeep isn't a chaotic mess then its my work van, If its not my living room then its my jeep. And so this cycle continues. I am afraid to move on. Afraid to lose that ex forever.

Chaos doesn't serve me and I feel so much better when I start in a routine-
Routine is another scary word. 

I function better with routine. 
With clean areas,
With low music. 

I finally found a medication that doesn't induce anxiety and take me into this chaotic mode.
And maybe its this sober affect. The longer I go, the more clear things become. 
Or....

Stay with me- It could be a higher power affect.
(Higher Power- Lead me to the next right thing)
Whatever these changes are- I am here for it. 

Join me in this journey, this quest if you will- To learn how to live simply. 

Because I will mess up.
But I can always start anew.

 Today, tomorrow and the next.

Because awareness is sobriety.
Until next time

April

Early Morning thoughts

On Monday I will be in Washington State- about 20 minutes from Portland Oregon.
I am absolutely stupid excited...

Anyway-

I don't know why I opened this blog. I used to blog but I am not a blogger anymore. 

I didn't sleep last night.  The likelihood of caffeine consumption after 5 pm is likely the culprit. I acknowledge and own that. I recently got on some medication that balances my hormones and I have been sleeping. Honestly, since I have been on these it makes me wonder just how long my hormones have been out of balance. Overall I have never felt more clear. 

Anyway, I have had many sleepless nights dating back to childhood. I remember laying there, in my bed staring at our bunny sheets and half dreaming.

 I remember when the vivid dreams started. I remember pacing and pulling "all nighters" since adolescence because I got so bored. 

Back and forth,

Back and forth.

The only thing that saved me in high school was that I didn't have a class start until after 9 am so- If I slept I could eventually get some.

Days awake. 

If I get 3 days of good sleep, I feel like a million bucks- Then its something.

Maybe this time its caffeine...Maybe my foot itches. Maybe I am hungry...maybe its my brain. I have a lot of time to think when I do not sleep.

Last night I was obsessing over expectations. Sometimes I feel like I am held to a higher standard. On one end I should feel honored but on the other I am just trying to live my life. You see- This "thing" I host is rocky and I am expected to be there. Week after week.

 But really at whose expectations? Are they really just my own? I am able to walk away at any time but why don't I? Is it a fear of disappointing others? Is there a bit of a "savior complex?" Am I afraid if we don't have this specific meeting someone might relapse into oblivion?

Yes. It sounds ridiculous when I think about it but yes. I have not prayed about this meeting nor allowed my Higher power to work through the sober rooms as a whole. I am NOT that powerful.

Today I will re-evaluate that.

Thanks for tuning in-
Until next time!

-Love= The Sober Xennial.