Simple Living

 Lately- 

I have been realizing my life doesn't have to be that complicated. 
What I thought was complicated really is not.

When I was younger I struggled to keep things clean. I would be repeatedly talked to, warned, yelled at and serious consequences would result yet my inadequacies did not change or refine.

I drank- I drank and ended up on the couch. I drank and heard that internal judgement in my head. By forgetting that reality I realized I kept living in that reality over and over again. That feeling of self pity is all too familiar. All too close to my soul. I run to what is familiar, what I am used to. I think I can buy cleanliness, I can buy order and everything just keeps stacking up both metaphorically and physically. 

I don't take out the trash.

Lets fast forward to A bit over two and a half years sober-
Less than a year ago I was diagnosed with moderate ADHD, I am waking up to how chaos really affects my life and how ADHD paralysis is a real issue. I have tried different medication which all indued anxiety and accentuate the paralysis. Accentuate the "voices" in my mind. 

Accentuate the overall feeling of helplessness and self pity, where I have lived for so long. The chaos I am familiar with and the judgement sustained growing up. 

As a adult and sober- I suddenly have plants I am trying to keep alive. I am listening to lowfi beats because -sometimes the words overwhelm me- I am working through the fear of calling others and admitting my mistakes. I am learning how not to take everything on a personal level. 

Chaos- That familiar foe is like a bad ex I keep going back to. Something always has to be in chaos or the world isn't right. 

If my jeep isn't a chaotic mess then its my work van, If its not my living room then its my jeep. And so this cycle continues. I am afraid to move on. Afraid to lose that ex forever.

Chaos doesn't serve me and I feel so much better when I start in a routine-
Routine is another scary word. 

I function better with routine. 
With clean areas,
With low music. 

I finally found a medication that doesn't induce anxiety and take me into this chaotic mode.
And maybe its this sober affect. The longer I go, the more clear things become. 
Or....

Stay with me- It could be a higher power affect.
(Higher Power- Lead me to the next right thing)
Whatever these changes are- I am here for it. 

Join me in this journey, this quest if you will- To learn how to live simply. 

Because I will mess up.
But I can always start anew.

 Today, tomorrow and the next.

Because awareness is sobriety.
Until next time

April