On Monday I will be in Washington State- about 20 minutes from Portland Oregon.
I am absolutely stupid excited...
Anyway-
I don't know why I opened this blog. I used to blog but I am not a blogger anymore.
I didn't sleep last night. The likelihood of caffeine consumption after 5 pm is likely the culprit. I acknowledge and own that. I recently got on some medication that balances my hormones and I have been sleeping. Honestly, since I have been on these it makes me wonder just how long my hormones have been out of balance. Overall I have never felt more clear.
Anyway, I have had many sleepless nights dating back to childhood. I remember laying there, in my bed staring at our bunny sheets and half dreaming.
I remember when the vivid dreams started. I remember pacing and pulling "all nighters" since adolescence because I got so bored.
Back and forth,
Back and forth.
The only thing that saved me in high school was that I didn't have a class start until after 9 am so- If I slept I could eventually get some.
Days awake.
If I get 3 days of good sleep, I feel like a million bucks- Then its something.
Maybe this time its caffeine...Maybe my foot itches. Maybe I am hungry...maybe its my brain. I have a lot of time to think when I do not sleep.
Last night I was obsessing over expectations. Sometimes I feel like I am held to a higher standard. On one end I should feel honored but on the other I am just trying to live my life. You see- This "thing" I host is rocky and I am expected to be there. Week after week.
But really at whose expectations? Are they really just my own? I am able to walk away at any time but why don't I? Is it a fear of disappointing others? Is there a bit of a "savior complex?" Am I afraid if we don't have this specific meeting someone might relapse into oblivion?
Yes. It sounds ridiculous when I think about it but yes. I have not prayed about this meeting nor allowed my Higher power to work through the sober rooms as a whole. I am NOT that powerful.
Today I will re-evaluate that.
Thanks for tuning in-
Until next time!
-Love= The Sober Xennial.
